Friday, December 16, 2005
whatever happened to the long lost psychotic!?
The spirit of blogging came into me. Yes, just now. Not an hour ago, not yesterday, just NOW.
The need of self expression and the forever need for understanding and acceptance are just a few of many things that human desperately wanted, whatever the circumstance. I want to be firm with that belief. That's why my hopelessness led me here, in front of the computer, typing my heart out with my absurd ideas.
***
NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
FED UP.
Yeah right, here goes the Dramatic Diane again.
There were lots of drastic changes over the past year. Some are nice but most are sickening. These changes were so tough on me that I almost gave my life up. Not really the thought of commiting suicide (I admit I thought of that, though. But it will remain just a thought, because scanning pages through the magazines actually reminds me that life is not a total waste bag.) but the thought that it's worthless to go on, being your best, when death can be the definite ending of all. It's definitely FUN to live, but in such disappointing, tormented, guaranteed-to-pull-you-down environment, trust me, IT IS NOT.
The before-death times weren't exactly the best of times, but they contribute to, I must agree, to the happiness of thee before the tragic finality. I love being happy.:D I hate being NOT. I wanna die happily. Of course, everybody want to, but unfortunately, not everybody has the chance to be. To be happy, I mean. Why? Because it is hard to live with glee. There are many burdens that will torment us, some are benificial, while some could change a human persona, negatively and, yes, positively.
The only permanent thing in this world is change.
Absolutely true, then. But why are we not used to it?
I am clueless. Nonetheless, I'm under the state of confusion.
I pondered over these things that really concern me, even in the most indirect manner:
How people react with changes bothers me.
How people treat changes bugs me.
How THEM, of all people, dictates my phase and blindly act so cold around me, confuses me.
How unexpected things came up won't let me sleep.
And, how I changed, the way I welcome problems, the way I embrace the challenges, the way I exude some confidence, the way I ward myself from unwanted circumstances, makes me mourn over the loss of such an entity I miss so much.
WHERE DID THE REAL DIANE GO?
WHERE DID SHE GO?
***
SHE would be some trapped soul, waiting for her own heart's outburst, but still agonizing over the feeling of alone-ness.
God, why is she so secretive about those concerns?
Why is she carrying the burden all alone?
Why would she let them stepped upon her?
Why does she feel like no one care, although some actually do?
Why does she have to go through all this?
Why is it so hard for her to be real in front of others?
Why does she feel that no one would accept her?
....Who is SHE, anyway?
i was about to post this entry when all of a sudden, my internet connection was slower than usual! Yikes, freaky. So, ngayon ko lang napost. pinopost pa ba yun? hahaha:D
haha! a LiL dramatic, eh? my mood is so not good that time, and so, i wrote that!:D hehe. sometimes, i still feel that way, though. :( I cant avoid it. Anyway, its almost christmas and I HOPE i would have lotsa fun!:D Ciao!
P.S. I changed my layout. My signature was that pic of me and a friend, lols.
DiANE screams it all @ 9:38 PM ;
